Hello and welcome back to The Stone Soup Cook–I’m really glad you’re here!
This year, I, like so many others am asking the question of myself: what does Thanksgiving really mean? At first blush, I think it means being grateful: grateful for family and friends, the roof over my head, the food in my belly and yes–pecan pie. These are all really good things.
When I took a little deeper dive and thought seriously about what is usually a food-laden and lavish table surrounded by loved ones, I realized that even the most lavish table with the best food doesn’t make up for a lack of generosity of spirit. And so this year, I’m asking the question “what do I bring to the Thanksgiving table?”
Stay with me here, because we’ve all been there: a gathering of either family or friends where there’s that one person who doesn’t bring anything to share and doesn’t lift a finger to help with prep or cleanup. But when they hear that one of the wines someone brought is delicious, races over with his/her glass and upends the bottle. The mooch. The freeloader. The sponger.
No one should want or aspire to be a mooch or a freeloader. So what does it take to not end up being one? Is it as simple as bringing a bottle of wine? a side salad? or is your presence enough? I would argue that none of these are enough to make a soufflé without the addition of one thing: a healthy measure of civility.
Civility includes gratitude: Gratitude for the food, for the wine, for the hosts. And it also includes good manners, patience, and generosity–whether pecuniary or of spirit.
In bad times, it is easy to be an emotional mooch because it’s so darned easy to think that you are suffering more than anyone else; but folks–here’s a news flash: there is always someone far worse off than you are. I am put in mind of the musical “Into The Woods” in which the two Prince Charmings sing to one another about their respective troubles, crooning in unison: “Agony! far more painful than yours!” It’s also really easy to wallow in that self pity and to push out everyone and everything else in the name of “self-care.” I’ve indulged in a bit of it myself in the last few months. Just this week, I was at the dentist’s office and my overly-friendly dental hygienist asked how I was doing. Seeing a new victim, I indulged in sharing some of the events of my dreadful year with her, including having lost my beloved dog on my birthday. As she listened patiently, I realized that I was boring even myself with yet another recitation of my woes, and I realized I had fallen into the trap of being an emotional mooch.
The choice is to wallow, or to not wallow and look to the future instead. And by this, I mean facing each day as a new one that holds the opportunity to do good for yourself and for others and to practice civility. There are things you can control and things you can’t control. How you treat others is one of those things you CAN control–and here’s another new flash–treating people with respect, dignity and civility is FREE! And it’s good for your overall sense of well-being, too. The better you treat others, the better you feel about yourself, and the less of a mooch you are.
So how do you maintain civility in the face of a mooch–and especially one who insists on discussing politics or other overly triggering subjects at an otherwise festive gathering? Try utilizing the “I’ve got to go to the bathroom” tool and then find someone else to talk to. This works well when there are enough people at the gathering. Otherwise, deploy the “change-of-subject” tool to talk about…absolutely anything that doesn’t include politics, religion, or other touchy subjects. This usually creates a short diversion. Failing that, deploy good listening skills and just try to be patient because…that’s what civility is all about.
In addition to thinking you’re the only one with troubles, it’s also really easy to think that yours is the only opinion that matters or that is valid. Trust me…you’re wrong. I say this for the chuckle factor, but…it’s also true. If we all actively listened more, took offense less, and were more patient with one another, we might actually learn something from each other. Getting entrenched in your point of view or telling the same story of your opinions over and over only makes you boring, and someone who doesn’t get invited back–because you’re a mooch. This does not mean that you shouldn’t share your opinions–you absolutely should–but in a non-threatening way. For example, this means that it’s absolutely NOT ok to ask someone how they’re going to vote in an upcoming election. My hairdresser did this to me once. I knew our politics didn’t agree, but dared to share my choice, as well as my research and deeply considered decision. She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the appointment, and I never went back to her. So…lose-lose. It’s not ok to ask anyone how they’re going to vote–it’s threatening and inconsiderate, and it’s being a mooch. So…just don’t do it.
Opening salutations are usually: “hi! how are you?” When you’re answering this question, it’s ok to be vulnerable. Tell the person honestly what’s going on. And then move on. And then ask how the other person is doing, and then actively listen. This doesn’t mean trying to solve their problems–typically, most folks just want to unload and to feel heard. Do not tell them what to do—and above—do not judge. They will do what they need to do. Your job is to listen and offer comfort and perhaps a suggestion for a resource–but not a solution, and I will again say: do not judge. You don’t want folks judging you, so…enough said.
Civility also means being considerate of others’ situations. We all know those folks who are only in touch if they have acquired something they think you’ll be green with envy over. This is another form of emotional mooching. If you know that someone has had a tough year, inviting them to your home to show off the new deck you just built in your backyard that’s bigger than their house is not a great way to renew the friendship. A better way to check in would be contacting the estranged friend after having seen a particularly beautiful sunset that made you think of them–especially a friend whom you know has had a tough year.
And finally–don’t let it be ok for someone else to do all the work–this is the purest form of being a mooch. At a gathering, ask what you can do to lighten the load. Sometimes (and I’m notoriously guilty of this), the host will say “I got this.” If that’s the case–grab a glass of wine and either engage in light banter with him/her (while staying out of the way) or better yet, introduce yourself to someone who’s hanging out in the corner by themselves. Your host will appreciate that you’re helping with the hosting duties by making sure everyone is taken care of and you might just meet a new friend.
And so this year, I am asking myself and I humbly request all of you to ask yourselves this seminal question: “what do I bring to the Thanksgiving table?“
I wish you peace, joy and a good measure of civility during the holidays…and good food too!
xoxo,
Keri
